When a rut becomes a manhole

Source

For ages I've been saying that I'm stuck in a rut. A few months ago - around December time - that rut became a very deep, dark manhole. Since then I've not really been able to function. It was the beginning of March that I realised that there was something seriously wrong and that this was no ordinary stuck-in-a-rut scenario. Not even for me.

I was on the bus going into uni, that March day. It was a lovely sunny day, not too hot and not too cold. As I was going in I realised that this was the first time in two months that I had voluntarily left the house. For two months, I hadn't opened the shutters to my bedroom. I hadn't been able to sleep at night and I'd had serious difficulty getting up in the morning. Even when I was awake, I still coudn't be bothered to get up. I only did the absolute bare minimum necessary - teaching, chores for my mum and that's it. I spent the rest of the time in bed on my laptop reading crappy celebrity gossip blogs or asleep. I didn't even feel like watching any films or TV, or reading any books. I stopped my knitting and as for exercising - hah! When having a shower is an effort, forget working out. I also stopped reading blogs. With my life being such a dismal existence, I really didn't want to read about other people successfully getting on with their lives. Occasionally I'd read a post, but rarely could I find anything to say in a comment.

As I sat on that bus, passing some beautiful green fields, I realised that this was not normal. It wasn’t a normal down-in-the-dumps phase, and even if it were, it'd gone on for far too long. What did I do? Nothing. I don't know why, but it really didn't occur to me to go to the doctor, even though I knew that I was depressed. Somehow, by the grace of God, this depression has lifted, and now, a few weeks later, I'm starting to get my life back.

I'm not gonna lie - it's not like I realised I was depressed and suddenly chose to snap out of it, because it’s just not in my control. It's not even like it's decided to go away suddenly, because that’s just not how it works. It's taken a few weeks for it to gradually lift, and then I got some really, really good news not that long ago and it's made a world of a difference to me in terms of motivation. That, combined with my newfound ability to get out of bed and get off my arse and do things, has made me feel much better about myself and my life. Today I was dusting my telly and I realised: I'm happy. That's the first time that I've felt genuinely happy for longer than I can remember.

(And I wasn't happy because I was cleaning. I was happy because I am happy.)

It's amazing to me that today, a day that I had deliberately set aside to do nothing, was one in which I still chose to do stuff. I did a bit of baking, a bit of cleaning, and here I am now, writing this blog post - the first in 4 months.

So why didn’t I write about this before? Why didn’t I go to the doctor? Well, I think that a very big part of my problem is that I hate being negative. I hate other people thinking I'm less than fine. I know it's normal to get down from time to time, I just don't like to show it. It makes me feel like a failure. So I suppose it's no coincidence that the first time I get around to writing a blogpost in all this time is when I'm feeling happy again, and can talk about all the horrible stuff in the past. It's over. I'm happy. So obviously I'm not a failure. I know it's stupid - depression isn't anyone's fault. But when I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning I just felt like such a loser.

Things I need to work on

As usual I’m not happy with the way I’m living my life right now. I’m permanently tired because I’m not getting enough sleep - for the past three days I’ve had about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. And I’m not even taking long siestas or anything to compensate for it, so that’s one hell of a sleep deficit I’m building.

Here's a list of the things that I really need to work on:

1. Getting to bed early. I can’t function during the day properly and I ain’t doing what I’m supposed to be doing until the last minute before bed. Feeling permanently tired is so old already.

2. Get my exercise in earlier. It has to be done. And no cheating. These days I’ve been working out in the wee hours - around 12 or even 1 in the morning. See, I said I need to get to bed earlier.

3. Write more. Throughout the day and not just 20 minutes before bed so that I can tick the ruddy habitforge update.

4. Quit playing Mahjong Titans. I’m wasting HOURS everyday on this s**t. Seriously, I spent over 10 hours on it last week. (As per my Rescue Time weekly summary - boy did I not like this week's report. Rescue Time, by the way, is an online time tracking program that logs how long you spend on every program that you use, whilst running in the background. It's actually pretty nifty.)

5. Preparing lessons properly and ahead of time. Also, I need to be stricter about logging hours and pay. I’m not feeling the whole teaching thing right now. A large part of my problem is that I teach several one-to-ones, but I prefer teaching groups (more varied interactions and it’s sooooooooo much easier), so I’m not very enthusiastic. This means that I leave my lesson planning until the last minute the night before. It would be so much better if I just did it ahead of time and had one less thing to stress over.

6. Work on my review of 2010. This year was basically an unmitigated disaster in terms of my New Year’s Resolutions and goals, for various reasons. I know that if I don’t want to repeat this next year then I’m going to have to really take a long hard look at what went wrong this year. I also want to do some of the various end-of-year reviews that are out there.

7. Pick goals for next year. I think this one’s fairly obvious.

It’s not much, but it does require willpower, which I’m kinda low on these days.

Anything you need to work on? Or is everyone just gonna wait until the New Year?

I Am Happy

Source

Except when I think about university.

I took all of last week off for no reason other than that I couldn’t be bothered to go. I’m seriously considering quitting my Masters. It’s depressing me: I hate the subject (it’s not what I thought I’d be studying), I don’t really want it for any future jobs (I don’t want to go into academia, which is all my subject’s really fit for), I cannot be bothered writing a 150-200 page thesis on something I’m not interested in (which seems to be what I’ll have to do), I hate attending (don’t like the modules, the lecturers, or anything), and basically it just feels like a monumental waste of time. So I should quit. But this is probably a one-off chance - I don’t think that this is the kind of thing that I’ll have the opportunity, time or will to do ever again. Especially if I quit now.

So, what’s a girl to do?

Go shopping, of course. For chick flicks, specifically. How does this help? Simple: shopping is relaxing, chick flicks always make me feel good - thereby prolonging the feel-good factor from the shopping – and a relaxed me is a lot more positive than normal and better at finding solutions.

My shopping trip culminated in my deciding to do the following:

1) Email some lecturers at other universities regarding my situation and try to get some advice. There’s no point asking my lecturers, obviously, because they all think that they’re wonderful. I will also seek out and ask lecturers at my university who aren’t teaching me.

2) Get back into teaching English again – I stopped in May for various reasons, but I should definitely pick it back up again now. If I do quit my Masters course I need to have something that’ll get me out of the house regularly, and it’ll probably be teaching. Not to mention it’s my only source of steady income at the moment, which is a pretty big incentive in and of itself.

3) I did a freelance translation job last week and earned a considerable amount in a very short time, which reminded me of why I liked translating. Of course, that was after I remembered how much I hated deadlines. But, let’s face it; every single job has deadlines in some form or another, so I’m ok with it. Now I need to put together a portfolio and get more clients.

4) Now that I finally have my own laptop, it’s high time I took on some work online. The mere thought scares the living daylights out of me (I’m terrified of screwing up) but I know that I need to just do it, and then I’ll be like ‘oh, that wasn’t so bad!’

This week, I’m going to start on steps 1 and 2, which will probably take me at least two weeks, and then I hope to take on the rest when I know how that all goes.

At least my university timetable has been adjusted so I only have one and a half days of attendance, instead of my previous 2 and a half, so that’s something.

(Random side-note: I googled the words 'depressed student college girl', whilst trying to find a picture for this post, and a picture of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen came up as one of the suggestions. Google's weird.)

Guess What

I have finally got a new laptop. My last laptop went kaput back in January, and it’s only taken me five full months to get a new one. It’s a refurbished Advent, which basically means that it has everything that I want, for a reduced price, because it’s second-hand, even though it looks and feels brand new (seriously, it’s brand spanking new).

I knew that I was supposed to be getting it soon (my parents were issued orders to buy and bring me one) but I didn’t really want to write about it until it was here, under my fingers, because whenever I write about anything that may/should happen soon it inevitably doesn’t. Like the treadmill I was hoping to get back in February. Anyways, it doesn’t matter, the fact is my laptop is here now and I’m a supremely happy bunny.

I’m currently trying to copy files from both my mum and dad’s laptops as well as my old one, and to free up some space on my USB stick. Not happiness –inducing work, but I’ll be happy when it’s done. I can’t wait to be able to use my laptop without having to figure out where half my stuff is!

Last word: I love my laptop.

Holding Down the Fort

Source

My parents have gone away for 2 weeks today, leaving me holding down the fort at home taking care of my 4 younger siblings, the youngest of whom is still in primary school. As a result, I've cancelled all my teaching lessons and have given myself a carte blanche to miss as many days at uni as I choose need. It's all good.

Life's been really crazy for too long now - it feels like I'm running on a little hamster wheel - and I need to take a break and get back to what I want to do, what I love, what makes me feel healthy and happy. This complete break from my routine is perfect. I have to cook, bake, clean house, do laundry, go food shopping, etc, etc, for 5 people and I LOVE doing it all. (I think it's the novelty of it, though. I'm not sure I'd like it so much if I had to do it all the time...) Being a student, most of the results of my work take a while to come through. It's satisfying when I make a meal to see the meal that I've made, and it's even better when I get compliments for it. The fact that it's gone in 10minutes flat, is a little disappointing, but hey - I can't have it all, can I?

So over the next couple of weeks, I'm hoping to post a few recipes (if I make anything interesting), maybe blog what I eat for a day (I've always wanted to try that), but above all, blog more regularly!

On and Off the Band-Wagon

*Plop*

I think that was the sound of me falling off the band-wagon. It couldn't have been a much louder noise, because I've only just figured it out and it happened a while ago. Unfortunately, it's spreading. I've stopped exercising entirely (every week I say 'next week'), I've started watching way too much TV (every day I say 'just this show'), I've stopped going to bed/getting up early (everyday I say 'tomorrow') and I've basically stopped blogging, just when I'd gotten into a nice little routine with it all.

So, this week is going to be 'one day at a time' week. I'm gonna try to do my best and tackle the major areas I've been slacking, one day at a time.

And I'm starting off with this blog post about nothing. I could whine about how I'm still 2lbs over the weight I should be. I could complain about uni - honestly, in complaining terms, university is the gift that just keeps giving! I could complain about all the paperwork I have to run after this week. But I won't. I was thinking yesterday that I haven't been focusing enough on my accomplishments this year, which is leaving me feeling dejected and completely devoid of motivation. So, my top accomplishments so far (in no order):

- I've taught two students to a Beginner's level in English.
- I've taught a six year old basic English (alphabet, colours, numbers, phrases and nouns).
- I've saved up and researched for my Driving License so that I can get it later this year.
- I managed to pass my first term at university as a post-grad.
- I gave my first ever 1.5hour presentation at university, and while it was boring as hell, it went well. I didn't stammer or stutter and I was able to speak loud enough for the class to hear me. That it was boring was the least of my problems - I DID IT!!

Considering that I've done all this in a mere 4 month period, I'm extremly pleased with my progress. Moreover, these are not accomplishments that I've acheived in a day - they've taken hard work over a period of weeks, if not months, to achieve. So obviously a little every day has been working for me. :D

Bullets.

I can't seem to pull together a post on one topic, so I'm doing bullets instead.

- Why oh why is it so hard to work out how much tax-free electrial goods are in Heathrow airport? I'm not going, but my parents will be going through it soon and I want to give them a shopping list. And if they're gonna be passing through the tax-free part of the airport, then I'd like them to buy it as cheap as possible. But then maybe I should just get it off ebay...

- I taught three English lessons today, which is unusual, but my lecture this morning was cancelled, so I took over one of my mum's lessons. I must say, it's nice to see my students making progress.

- I just typed the above a minute ago, before I accidentally hit something and lost it. The strange thing is that the first bullet didn't disappear. Weird.

- I'm going shopping tomorrow - YAY!! Don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm going shopping.

- I watched the Twilight Eclipse trailer yesterday and I really liked it. Believe it or not, I was debating whether or not I was going to watch it. Now I know that I definitely will. The only thing I don't like is Bryce Dallas Howard. She just looks so wrong, they really shouldn't have switched out Rachelle LeFevre. Here it is, just in case you haven't already seen it/want to re-watch it.



- Speaking of films, I can't wait to see the new Robert Pattinson film Remember Me. A friend told me the story line and it sounds great. Sad, but great. Furthermore, she said that he actually acts in this one, and does so really well (and she's not an RPattz fan, so I trust her). I don't think that looking washed-out and sombre in Twilight truly counts as acting. Just my opinion. Anyways, here's the trailer for Remember Me:



What's your take on RPattz's acting skills? Is there anything you're looking forward to over the next few days?

Time-Out

This week I took a time-out from ... well, everything really. I went to uni, but skipped my most depressing lecture, didn't exercise once and spent most of my time vegetating on the couch watching TV, drinking tea and eating. Basically, I took this past week to recharge my batteries and, thank God, it worked because I'm raring to go now as a result.

That and the fact that today is weigh-in day and I discovered that I've gained FOUR WHOLE POUNDS in just one week! And it's not even girly-time yet. *wail*

Mind you, I did have pasta twice this week. And a pizza. And a couple of croissants. Yeah, ok, so I know why I've put on the weight and yes, I know it's not really a big deal - I mean 4 pounds? People on The Biggest Loser lose 100s! So I know it's not that bad, it's just that this is the first time since last September that I've actually gained and it has basically scared the crap out of me.

But it's ok, because I have now recharged my batteries and, although I'm not entirely sure I've got my mojo back, I do feel able to take on my life again. I can do this. My only hurdle now is sorting out my sleeping pattern because doing nothing and eating loads totally wrecks my sleeping habits. As do mosquitos. *grrr*

The Path of Least Resistance.

For a while now - I don't know how long, but it's definitely over a month and a half - I've been stretching myself a little too thinly. Too much planning, trying to do too much, trying to do the absolute best, etc, etc, etc. Net result? I've run myself into the ground. Ok, so not quite into the ground, but I've definitely run myself down and I'm suffering as a result.

So, what to do? I've decided to take the path of least resistance. If there's a quick/easy route out of something, then I'm taking it. If I can get out of something I don't particularly like, then I'm gone. This week I'm taking it easy, because I need to get back to being 100%, but then after that it'll be a whole bunch easier. I hope.

Why the path of least resistance? Because sometimes water, electricity and volcanoes have the right idea: just take the easiest route to your destination. Ok, so pretty much all routes are easy for a volcano, but whatever. For me, the path of least resistance started yesterday when I changed one of my paper titles. Coincidently, it now just happens to have the exact same title as a paper I wrote last year. Don't you just love it when coincidences like that happen? ;) (FYI: I will be editing it - it's going to be an exercise in discovering the true extent of my perfectionism.)

Do you ever feel like following the path of least resistance? Does it work out for you (please say it does)? Are there some areas of your life in which you're more inclined to follow the path of least resistance?

What a week.

It's been one long, hard, horrible week. For too long now, I've felt that my life is overscheduled, and this week was burn-out week. Here's a run through:

- Monday:
Actually, this wasn't so bad, it just wasn't any good either. I didn't get much done and, well, it was just so meh.

- Tuesday:
This was so bad that I decided to cancel it. Seriously. I got home at about 5pm, had dinner, removed my nail polish and went to bed as there was no point in even considering continuing with this day. By rights, I should never have gotten out of bed. Want to know how bad this day was? Let me count the ways:

1) Up late. Ok, my fault, but it's not a good start.

2) Crazy lady attack. A lady in my neighbourhood called me (not by name she used mademoiselle) and I, innocently thinking she wanted directions or something, went up to her. She then, very loudly, accosted me for cussing the neighbourhood (not likely, seeing as I live in it). I realised she was a slice short of a sandwich, so I walked away to the bus stop. She followed me, shouting insults the whole way. Apparantly people who wear black (boy did I wish I'd stuck with plan A and worn green) are filthy sluts, bitches, whores, and a litany of other things and this woman was on a mission to out us all. In front of people in my neighbourhood who all know me. Yay. Admittedly, everyone else knew/recognised that she wasn't all there and they were nice to me, but still, it was kinda shocking.

3) I finally get to uni and my first lecturere doesn't show up, so I've got to hang around from 10.30am until 1pm for my next lecture.

4) I discover that for this semester my timetable is the same (which is good) and so too are my lecturers (which is not good). I do not like my lecturers because they are, for the most part, wasting my time.

5) My 1pm lecturer showed up and spent the entire 2 hour lecture talking about nothing. And I mean nothing. He didn't even have our program for the subject, so he couldn't teach us anything. But he didn't let us go home either. Instead, he gave us all headaches.
After that I just gave up.

- Wednesday:
Early start, trouble with transport, too many lessons to teach, a lecturer dictated the title of a research paper to me (and it's soooo boring).

- Thursday:
Ok, actually I enjoyed yesterday (a lesson with a 6 year old, which was great fun, and an afternoon at a friend's meeting a newborn), but I really just wanted a day away from scheduledness.

Today, however has been a blessing. I got up late, hung around the house in track bottoms and a sweatshirt, watched loads of tv, ate, and did nothing more strenuous than the washing up, making my bed and bringing in some washing from the line. I feel like I've recharged my batteries somewhat. Now I really need to sort out this coming week. I'm not looking forward to it, and in all honesty, I'm not loving my life at the moment.

My Quarterlife Crisis

image found here

I'm a big believer in labelling things. Putting a label on something makes me feel that there's something that I can do about it, that I can take care of it. It makes me feel in charge. And obviously I'm not talking about people here, cause that would be stupid (and prejudiced). It's like when I was diagnosed with PCOS: just knowing what was wrong with me made me feel better, that I could conquer it. (Soulcysters is a great support group, by the way.)

So, after doing a fair amount of harrumphing over my complete lack of direction in life, I have reached the conclusion that I am suffering from a Quarterlife Crisis. Of the extensive list on wikipedia, I've decided that I have the following:

- realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless
- insecurity regarding the fact that my actions are meaningless
- insecurity regarding present accomplishments
- re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
- lack of friendships or romantic relationships (heck yeah!)
- disappointment with one's job
- nostalgia for my high school life, specifically my first year.
- tendency to hold stronger opinions (I've always had this, but, hey, if I can blame it on a quarterlife crisis then great!)
- boredom with social interactions
- loss of closeness to high school and college friends
- financially-rooted stress
- a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than me
- frustration with social skills.

Now that I've finally stuck a label on the way that I'm feeling/where I am in life, I can start trying to fix it. This is the bit I love the most: the reading around bit. Then I'll actually have to do something about it, I guess...

Anyone else feel the same way? Anyone??

Busy Lizzy

image found here - aren't these gorgeous? I love the colours!

No, this is not about flowers, although buzzy lizzys are amongst my favourite. They take me back to being a little girl and going shopping for seeds with my mum in early spring sunshine.

This post is about how busy my next few days are gonna be. :(

Today I was out touring the old part of Algiers, the Casbah, which was great fun - thoroughly fascinating (I'll be a-blogging about that soon, I just need to go through my photos first).

Tomorrow I will be going to a family friend's house for the afternoon and evening, which I'm not looking forward to, but feel that I have to go. I'll enjoy it when it's over.

Saturday I have an English lesson in the morning (which is nothing new - I have that student every morning) followed by an afternoon of socialising with a bunch of expats. With cream cakes and loadsa tea. Yeah, I'm looking forward to Saturday. :D

Sunday I'm back at uni. Bleugh. This means that I've got to clean house (my intended spring clean this holiday didn't happen), start my next research paper and prepare to present it as well as start thinking about my thesis. Eek! The mere thought of all that makes me just want to crawl into bed and pull the duvet over my head.

On the bright side though, I'm hoping to start my driving lessons soon - yay!

Other People Rant

Sorry, but this is a rant.

Why do people have so much difficulty not understanding that I do, in fact, have a life? You know, one that doesn't involve waiting around all day for them to grace me with their presence. Or hours of boredom only relieved by their phone calls. Seriously, I have a life! EERRRGH!

A friend who lives a way away called me to arrange a meet up. Great! Only she's just got in town and is going away again in 2 days. And I'm supposed to shift my schedule around to suit her spontaneity? I don't think so.

Don't get me wrong, I like spontaneity, but sometimes you have to plan fun things out, too. You can't always just roll out of bed and decide what to do. You especially can't do that if you have scheduled lessons to teach and a short 2 week holiday filled with places to go/see.

I just find it so insulting when people phone up thinking I've got nothing better to do. That I'm just waiting around for them to drop by when it suits them. And, to make matters worse, I hate that I come across as the ultimate b*tch for turning them down. Which I do, obviously, because I HAVE OTHER ENGAGEMENTS!!

*Deep Breath*

Ok, I feel better now. I enjoyed that rant.

Anyone else have the same problem? Or maybe something to rant about? Please, feel free to share.

Film Review: Julie & Julia + Blogging

Ok, so last night I watched Julie & Julia. I've been wanting to watch it for a while because it stars Meryl Streep (gotta love Meryl), it's about a blogger and everyone keeps going on about how great it is. So, I finally sat down to watch it last night with my little sister. In all honesty, I didn't really enjoy it. I mean, I did. But I didn't. Overall, it was just kinda meh.

First up, the positives: Meryl Streep's performance was amazing, of course, and Amy Adams looked suitably knackered throughout the film, which was appropriate, considering that her character (Julie Powell) works a job and cooks for hours by night. Also, the portrayal of a blogger was really good - it's like so much that I've come across on my reader. lol. I liked the fact that things went wrong for Julie - not because I'm mean, but because it's realistic. Things don't always work out great.

(For anyone who's interested, Julie Powell still blogs here.)

What I really didn't like? Let me count the ways:

1) There's no real story. It's just one woman blogging about cooking and another woman first learning to cook then trying to get her book published. That's it. Whoopee. Nothing else happens. I mean, I know it's a drama and all, but something has to happen. There has to be a reason for the story. But there isn't.

2) Too much making out. I mean, really?!?! It didn't add to the film. At. All. It wasn't demonstrative of the two married couples' relationships, and it honestly just felt like a filler, just something interesting to put on the screen during a talk-over.

3) It made me feel like a crap blogger. It also brought up that whole, should-I-have-a-central-theme thing again. Although this initially bugged me and got me down, it really prompted me to start thinking about my little bloggy, which lately I've been feeling needs a total re-vamp. So, I guess this aspect of the film really turned out to be a good thing. It made me think about how I want to change my blog around, and what I want to focus on, if I want to focus on anything.

Therefore, over the next week (I hope it won't be longer) I'll be changing this blog around - just messing with the design, fonts, colours, etc, as well as deleting some of the rubbish I once wrote a while ago. I might also pick a central theme, because I think I'm having a growing epiphany on that subject.

Spring Break, I love thee.

Last week was a bit of a nightmare. It was the last week of term, which means that I had a load of exams, plus a research paper due. Unfortunately, that meant that I had to give up exercise, sleep and sanity. It also meant that I wound up clicking the 'mark all as read' button in my Reader a bit too often. Oh dear.

The exams seemed to go ok and I don't get the results until early April anyway, so I'm not going to stress out over them. What's done is done. All my revision was last minute, but it wasn't anything too difficult and I understood the lectures in situ, so I'm sure I did the best I could have done - even if I'd been revising for weeks.

As for the paper, I finally finished it at 3am the night before it was due in. I know, I know, that's really last minute, but part of my problem is that I'm a bit obsessive and perfectionistic. This means that it's almost never going to be good enough. I finish it, I'm happy with it and then I think of something else I could add, delete or tweak. Grrr!

Anyways, I finished the paper, dragged my backside out of bed a mere 3 hours after climbing in, and revised for my last exam on the bus in to uni. When I went to hand in the paper, I was informed by my lecturer that the deadline has been moved to after the holidays. Lovely. Pity he couldn't have told us before the exams.

I'm glad, though, that it means that I don't have to be working on my paper over the holidays. Now I just have to resist the urge to change it. :D

So, what do I have planned for this Spring Break? Well, this first week I intend to catch up on all my major chores and then next week: RELAXATION. I can't wait!

Do you ever get really perfectionistic with tasks, so that they just drag on? How do you deal with it, if you do? And, on a nicer note, what are you looking forward to in the next week or next few weeks?

Bullets

I'm not in a writing mood, or even an editing mood to post a draft, so instead I'm just gonna do some bullets on random things that have been in my life/head recently:

- Bitchiness:
I hate it when people are bitchy. I hate it even more when they try to bring me in on their bitchiness. I mean, I can be bitchy, but I like to think it's not in an immature oh-my-God-she-said-something-mean-about-me-and-I-feel-sensitive-so-now-I'm-not-gonna-be-friends-with-her-and-I'm-not-gonna-be-friends-with-anyone-who's-friends-with-her way. Seriously, this has happened to me in the past week and all those involved were grown women. It's ridiculous. What's worse is the amount of behind-everyone's-backs whispering and tale-telling and whatnot. It's just plain sad and sick and infuriating when I get dragged in. It's so childish.

- Internet Connection:
Or rather, the lack thereof. It comes, it goes, I waste time. You see how that's frustrating? Anyways, it's here now. For now.

- Jinxs / evil eyes:
You know, this could probably be a post all by itself, but I can't be bothered doing the necessary research. In short, the evil eye is the belief that people's envy can affect things in your life. A jinx is pretty similar. And of course, you can give yourself both. Why is this a problem? It's a problem because I keep doing it to myself (unless one of my readers is...?). Everytime I write something on here that's good - like starting to exercise again, or buying a treadmill, or whatever, something goes wrong. This week my schedule has gone out the window, taking with it my exercise routine. Factor in a lot of cream cakes and we, my friends, are in serious trouble with the scales. And my treadmill is currently on hold.

- Routine:
My routine has gone clear out the window. Some weeks I totally nail it: up early, exercise done, work started / left home early, etc and plenty gets done. Not this week. And I have exams next week and a paper due. So naturally, I'm on here blogging.

- Masters:
I've been having serious doubts as to whether this is what I want to do. I'm not sure research is my thing. The only reason I haven't quit is because a) I don't want to be a quitter and b) I know that I pipped a lot of people to get a place in my course, and I owe it to them to not quit. I think that I'm gonna have to write up a list of reasons as to why I want to be in my masters course, why I want to succeed at this thing. An idea for another post.

- 2012:
I watched this film the other day and would just like to say that it totally sucked. Really, I thought this was a terrible film. I don't mind the whole end-of-the-world genre (I loved Independence Day!), but I found this film predictable, unbelievable and actually kinda sad. You can guess who'll die and who'll live within the first half an hour, and the dialogue is just meh. The only redeeming factor was John Cusack's acting - I do think he's good - and the cute Russian pilot eye-candy (played by this guy). However, I don't really think that either justifies watching the entire film.

- Nail Varnish:
I'll admit, I always underestimate the power of coloured nails. So much so, in fact, that I haven't bothered to wear nail varnish for over a year. At least. Last week, I decided to break this habit and just paint my nails. And how feminine and rocking did I feel afterwards? Yeah, I gotta do this more often. But not in bed - I spilt a bit of varnish on my bedspread and it really doesn't look that good. Any ideas as to how to get nail varnish out of duvet covers? Anyone?

Introvert / Extrovert Epiphany

image found here.

All week I've been mulling over my loner tendencies. I like my own space, my own time, and I can't be around people all the time. That said, I have no problem talking to people, making friends with people, being the centre of attention (must admit: I totally kinda love that one!), etc, etc, etc. In short, I appear, to all intents and purposes, to be a people person. But I'm really not. I can go weeks without seeing/phoning/chatting to people, and I'm not exaggerating - I have actually gone weeks without social interaction. It's fine by me. What's more, I hate it when I have to interact with people for extended periods of time, or worse: for undefined periods of time. I need my own little bubble of space and time to just be.

Basically, I'm not shy or reserved (if you ever met me in person, you'd know just how true this is) and I do enjoy being with people to a degree, but there's one very big but: I need recovery time from being with people.

Today I read something that suddenly makes sense out of all of this for me. It was this post on Ben's blog (Ben, by the way, is a hysterically funny guy).
What he wrote was:

"... an introvert is someone who loses energy to social interactions unlike extroverts who gain energy from them."

Cha-Ching! Perfect sense. It's an epiphany! I'm an introvert because I lose energy from my social interactions, even though I'm kind of a people person in the sense that I interact with ease.

Well, with ease when I'm not offending/bugging anyone.

What's your color?

Lisa mentioned earlier this week that she took this test that tells you what your colour is and how that translates to your personality. My result was as follows:



Nothing can stand between you and your demand for a calm environment. To be free of conflict and disagreement is the only way to live. In fact, it’s this philosophy that probably allows you to be comfortable in conditions that would normally bother others. Your ability to focus is undisputed, and while you enjoy attention, you still have problems understanding how to handle it. No other color out lives by the golden rule as much as you do.

All I can say is: WOW! This is amazingly accurate. 'Nothing can stand between you and your demand for a calm environment' is 100% accurate. That is me. Wow.

Done

I'm not really in the mood for blogging today, nor have I been for the past ... however long it's been since my last post. BUT I'm being self-disciplined (hurrah) and doing it anyway. I think, however, that I'm gonna have to start preparing some random blogposts on various topics so that I can post them when I don't feel like writing. I'm gonna have to work to slack off. There's something wrong there. Isn't slacking supposed to involve no work? Hmmmm....

Anyways, I've been meaning to make a confession on here for a while, but I didn't want to say anything until after I got my backside in gear and sorted myself out. It's taken me all of January and February to get my backside in gear, but I am glad to announce that I finally have. So, my confession:

I have only exercised 3 times since the beginning of the year.

So much for getting healthier and forming good habits and all that blah blah that I thought I'd done at the end of the last year.

BUT I have started again. I've exercised 3 times this week so far (starting on Saturday) and I'm fitting it in early in the morning. And boy do I ache! But I am so proud of myself for finally just sucking it up and getting on with it. I intend to write a post some time soon - maybe this week? - about how Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred has kinda ruined me, but I can't be bothered to turn this post into anything remotely informative or expressive of my opinions. I just wanted to congratulate myself for getting back to working out and cross of 'post to blog' from my to-do list. :D

Hope everyone has a great week!!

What's in a weeked?

When I lived in the UK, the weekend was Saturday and Sunday - like everywhere else in the Western world, and much of the non-Western world, too. Then I moved here and the weekend was on Thursday and Friday, like the rest of the Islamic world.

Then countries across the Islamic world realised that this meant that they had 4 days of no-trading with most of the rest of the world and that wasn't good for their economies. So several countries changed the weekend to Friday and Saturday. You can't get Muslims to work on a Friday, because
a) Friday is supposed to be a weekly religious holiday, and
b)Friday prayer is slap bang in the middle of the day (around 1pm ish) and lasts about an hour. Add in lunch and you've lost the entire afternoon. And whether people actually attend the prayer or not is utterly irrelevant - they'll just take the time off anyway. Saturdays most world banks are closed and there's no business anyway so it's kind of a no-brainer.

Last August, Algeria joined the list of Muslim countries that changed their weekend. I'm not gonna lie: it was really weird at first, and I'm still not sure what days the Post Office is open now. ;)

Anyways, all this means that my week is from Sunday-Thursday and my weekend is Friday and Saturday. Except that it isn't. Thanks to my light schedule at uni (it's all research based, so we need more time off to do the research. Apparantly) I have Thursday-Satuday off. Yup, I have a 3-day weekend. And believe you me, I appreciate it, I make the most of it and I am HUGELY grateful for it. :D

Which means that I was actually off for my birthday on Thursday. But I didn't celebrate. Because I don't actually celebrate birthdays. The reason for this is religious: as a Muslim, I don't believe that celebrating birthdays is a part of my religion. That said, I know plenty of Muslims who do celebrate birthdays, and that's their opinion/choice/way/whatever-the-appropriate-word-is. Each to their own.

This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate everyone's wishing me a great day - I do. I lived in the UK for forever, so I know that this is something that's a normal part of Western culture and I understand the kindness and warm-heartedness behind the sentiments. And whether I celebrate it or not, it's still a milestone in the year.

The weekend difference also means that I was at uni for Valentine's Day. And guess what? I don't, and therefore didn't, celebrate that either. :)

So now you know that I'm not simply avoiding writing about what I did for my bday or Vday, but I honestly don't have anything to write about!